


Worlds worst companion

by CustardCreamies



Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Crack, Dogs, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-09
Updated: 2016-01-09
Packaged: 2018-05-12 21:12:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5680939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CustardCreamies/pseuds/CustardCreamies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eggsy finds a stray dog in the streets, he brings it to Harry's house. It causes chaos.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Worlds worst companion

**Author's Note:**

> First fic for Kingsman and it's mostly crack.

Eggsy finds the dog one cold windy day in London. It's lightly raining and the wind makes the air bitter and cold. The dog in question is found huddled outside a local supermarket. It's a Labrador. It's fur is soaking with rain water and it's trying to get people's attention with a low pitiful bark, a whining sort of sound. Hoping someone would notice and pay attention. When it spots Eggsy looking at him, the dog's eyes brighten and It trots over to Eggsy and nudges at his hand, whining softly. 

"Hey boy!" Eggsy says softly as he gently pets it's head, the dog leans into his touch and wags it's tail. It's whole body goes with the movement. 

Eggsy checks the dog's neck for a collar or sign of ID but finds none. The dog doesn't look underfed or skinny in any way, but the fact that it's just hanging around the shop indicates that the dog has either run away or had been abandoned. 

"We can't leave you here, can we boy?" Eggsy murmurs to the dog. The dog seems to smile back at him, it's tongue lolling out of it's mouth. It's then that Eggsy decides he should take the dog with him, just until he could find the owners of the dog or take it to the pound. 

He reasons that Harry wouldn't mind anyway. 

* * *

 

"No" 

That's the answer that greets Eggsy when he shows up at Harry's doorstep with the dog in tow. 

"Oh come on, it's only for a couple of hours! I'm going to take him to the pound, please?" Eggsy begs. But Harry is shaking his head. 

"Absolutely not, why bring him to me anyway? Why not take him to your mother's?" 

"Because we don't have the room and you have a large house, oh come on! He won't be any trouble!" Eggsy bends down and looks at the dog "you won't be any trouble will ya?" The dog wags his tail and licks his face, making Eggsy laugh. 

Harry sighs "fine Eggsy, but only for a few hours" 

Eggsy grins at him "thanks, Harry!" and then turns to the dog "okay boy, be good now!" 

Eggsy unties the makeshift lead from around the dog's neck and the dog trots into the house, having a curious look around the place. 

"See? He'll be no trouble. I've named him Bailey" Eggsy says, watching the dog trotting into the kitchen. 

"Don't get too attached, Eggsy!" Harry warns. 

"Yeah, yeah. I know. When I get back I'll ring the pound straight away. I promise" Eggsy says, whistling to the dog which responds almost immediately and comes towards him, wagging it's tail. Eggsy smiles at the dog and leans down to ruffle it's neck fur. 

"Yes, well you'd better" Harry replies watching the dog wearily. 

"I will, thanks for this Harry, I owe you one!" Eggsy says as he gets up and makes his way towards the door, he turns to look at the dog one more time then waves goodbye to Harry before walking out of the door and shutting it behind him. 

Harry looks at the dog. The dog looks at him. 

Only a few hours? It can't be that bad.

* * *

An hour passes by fairly quickly and without incident. Harry is in his study, looking at a mission report when the dog wanders in. Harry looks up at it and the dog wags it's tail, emitting a low whine. 

"What do you want?" Harry asks and the dog's tail wags harder, the whine getting louder. 

"You're hungry?" Harry guesses and the dog lets out a bark. It's then that the dog spots Harry's glasses on the desk and suddenly the dog runs forward and takes them off of the desk. Harry watches as the dog holds the glasses in it's mouth triumphantly before running out of the room with them. 

"What? Wait! Get back here!" Harry shouts as he moves to run after the dog. 

The bloody dog has his Kingsman glasses and when the dog notices Harry running after him, it encourages the dog to run faster, thinking it's a game. 

"Come back! Here boy!" Harry shouts, trying to get the glasses back. But the dog is having none of it and just keeps running. 

It becomes a mad chase, the dog leading Harry around in circles in the house and enjoying itself far too much. 

After a while the dog seems to get bored and it suddenly stops and turns to face Harry, it's brown eyes gleam with mischief. 

"Good boy..." Harry says softly "give them to me...." he leans towards the dog slowly, hand outstretched. The dog's head turns away just a little, it's eyes watching Harry. 

And then the dog's teeth clamp down on the glasses. Breaking the frames inside. 

Harry watches on in horror. 

* * *

The next thing the Labrador destroys nearly blows up Harry's house. 

The dog manages to get hold of one of the grenade lighters. It holds the lighter in his mouth, looking at Harry like "look what I got!" and it's only quick thinking on Harry's part that he manages to open the dog's mouth to get the lighter before the dog can trigger it.

* * *

The next thing the dog gets is the umbrella. The dog thinks the umbrella is part of a game of tug of war with Harry and Harry spends the next ten minutes trying to wrestle with the dog for the umbrella. The dog enjoys the game. 

* * *

The next, and final, thing the dog finds to steal is the Oxford shoes. He wants something to chew. But the thing is when he pulled the shoe off of the rack he also triggered the release of the hidden blade. 

The dog is now walking into Harry's study holding the shoe in his mouth with the blade sticking out. 

"Oh no. Now this has gone too far..." Harry gets up from his chair slowly, trying to show he's calm to the dog. If the dog moves the shoe and accidentally strikes Harry, it's all over.

"Come on...good boy...give that to me" harry says it slowly, softly. Trying to breathe calmly. The dog looks at him, then it's tail begins to wag and then it's off like a shot, racing out of the room with the shoe dangling in his mouth. 

This is turning out to be the worst day of Harry's life.

* * *

When Eggsy returns, he is surprised by the state of Harry's house. It looks as if it had been trashed by a madman and sitting in the centre of all the mess is Harry. Bailey the dog is beside him, fast asleep.

"What happened?" Eggsy asks, his mouth dropping open.

Harry explodes. 

"What happened? This dog...no wait not dog, evil thing with a dog face, managed to get it's hands on Kingsman equipment and destroyed almost all of it. I have just spent the last hour chasing this bloody animal around trying to get the shoes off of him, it's only when I managed to knock him out with a sleeping dart did I managed to get them from him. He has had my glasses, which Merlin was VERY delighted to learn about, he has also had the grenades and my umbrella. He is entirely uncontrollable and it's lucky that you're here because if you were not here I wouldn't have any qualms about shooting the bloody thing. When it wakes up you are taking him straight to the pound, am I clear?"

Eggsy can only nod.

"Good, now please help me with this mess" Harry says, walking over to Eggsy to hand him a brush. 

Eggsy can only wordlessly accept it from him. He couldn't believe the dog could be that much trouble. 

* * *

The dog goes to the pound. He finds a home a week later. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
